.even machines have hearts

I haven’t spoken to my little brother in so long what with everything that has happened with the surgery, my being ill and being so far away. I also feel like the last couple times we spoke on the phone he didn’t really want to speak to me. My mom called me today and said that sometimes she sees him crying himself to sleep and that he’s almost always angry and quiet. Growing up he had all of us in the house with him and now he’s alone. She says it’s hard for him. I can imagine. I feel so selfish and torn in two. If there is anybody in the world I love, it is with out a doubt my baby brother. I suppose he’s not a baby anymore because he’s fifteen and practically 6 feet but in my heart he will always be my baby brother. Every time I hug him I remember growing up with him. I used to call him “precious” because that was what he was. I remember holding him when he cried when the arguments between my parents would get loud and violent. I remember changing his diapers and reading him books in funny voices just to make him laugh. I remember making arts and crafts for school projects or just for fun on boring afternoons. I remember how distant I got the year I was with Tony and how much it hurt him. But I remember the first time I sat down with him and played a game of cards after Tony died and the look on his face was worth everything. I remember the letter he wrote me back in October when I first moved out. My baby brother has had to grow up so fast and it’s not fair. It’s not fair to any of us. To any of my siblings. And it’s killing me because I love him so much but I don’t know if I’m willing to sacrifice my freedom to show him that I care.

How often do I complain when in actuality I have been quite blessed; blessed to know such kind and wonderful people in my life. I feel maybe my selfishness lies in an immaturity that I am slowly beginning to outgrow as I take on more responsibilities and realize that I must show myself that I am capable before wishing others to believe so. Nevertheless, I could not have gotten to where I am without the love and support of the wonderful people in my life, and even the not so wonderful people in my life—those who motivate me to do my best because they are so certain I will fail. The semester is nearing its end and with it comes new challenges, a new living situation and a new start. I hope to make the best of it and continue to find strength within myself and perhaps in more of a spiritual form.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs argues that for an individual to begin to consider more complex needs such as love, self esteem, creativity and social belonging, their most basic physiological needs must be met. One of those needs is shelter. Perhaps with this new apartment I can begin to build for myself a brighter future, one filled with everything I always hoped it would be.

"

I spent so much time throwing rocks at your window because I could not find your front door.

And you only visited my heart for a little while before retreating into yours.

But my limbs are so tired, my bones ache, from chasing you love, simply for love’s sake.

"

"I know it doesn’t seem fair cause when you needed me I wasn’t there. But I need you now more than ever though, more than you’ll ever know."